Tuesday, January 10, 2012

For the girls

(Warning to any men who have accidentally stumbled upon this blog. You'll want to bail right here. The following will leave a visual that could be permanently scarring.)

Laughing is the way you can get through the most dire of circumstances.

This is what I was thinking this morning as I was dangling from my right breast which had been flattened to roughly the same thickness and circumference as a plate-sized pancake.

I learned today that there is one definite advantage to getting older: mammograms are a whole lot easier. Instead of trying to squeeze a rubber bouncy ball into a waffle iron, you now have a jello-filled sock you can flop right into position. No problem. It's slick.

Another upside. Apparently, there's less fiber to get in the way of the pictures. I had my first mammogram five years ago. Owie. It didn't work. The tech had to repeat the procedure, taking pictures of each position over and over. Her face got flush as she struggled to reposition and stuff the poor girl in between two pieces of plexy glass. She told me I had fibrous breasts. In laywoman's terms this means lumpy, bumpy breasts.

Evidently, the older you get the less bumpy they are. The tech had no problems today. She took pictures of each one, checked the slides and told me I was free to go. Less than five minutes from start to finish, and I was out of there.

I don't know if men get together and have a good laugh as they tell stories of their latest prostate exam, but women can get a lot of mileage out of their mammograms. If you've never had one, there are a few things you can do to prepare. Author Barbara Johnson wrote this helpful guide:

The Mammogram

This is an X-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word "breast." Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts, however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular, so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises.

Exercise 1: Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) between the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat this three times daily.

Exercise 2: Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.

Exercise 3 (advanced only please): Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, have your hubby slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.

P.S. I post my most girly blog posts on the Mama Drama Group on Facebook. Only my girl Facebook friends are members. Pretty sure the post on perimenopause weeded out any male readers.

link to www.beliefnet.com


  1. i've had to have these darn things yearly since i was 29 . . . you've described it perfectly.

  2. Yep, I get the fun procedure done in April! Originally it was scheduled on Brelly's b-day in March. Glad it was put off longer.:) Just one of the many joys of being a woman! Thanks for your continual sense of humor, sis!